Rachel Sothby* does not attend baby showers. Ever since the adoption practitioner suggested it, Rachel sends a gift and maybe takes the new mother out for coffee, but she will not sit in a roomful of women who talk about their pregnancy, labour and delivery of their children.
“I want to share in another family’s happiness of having a child, but I also need to protect myself as I grieve the loss of my dream of having a child by birth,” says Sothby, now a proud mother of two children through adoption.
Even though she has children in her life now, Sothby still does not attend baby showers because her story of creating a family is not the same as others. When people hear her adoption journey they either become silent or bombard her with questions stemming from stereotypes. She quite often leaves such gatherings feeling resentful and sad, mainly because she still has some feelings to process about her infertility.
Sothby is not alone in her grief. In fact, much of the adoption preparation process focuses on how the future adoptive parents are handling their infertility and whether they have the support needed to work through the complex issues that may arise in their own journey to adopt.
Using Infertility to Understand Adoption Loss
According to Patricia Irwin Johnston, author of Taking Charge of Infertility (Perspectives Press, 1994) and Adopting after Infertility (1992) there are several reasons that loss is so paramount in fertility. It is common for people dealing with infertility to feel a:
- loss of control in many aspects in life
- loss of bloodline family connection
- loss of creating a child together as life partners
- loss of experiencing pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding
- loss of the opportunity to parent
With an adoption social worker, people hoping to adopt can address these issues and in fact, identify strengths they have gained through the grieving process. By fully understanding what it feels like to lose a dream and not have control over one’s life, people who adopt can help their child through their own issues of loss.
Risks of Unresolved Infertility Grief in Adoption
Grieving infertility can be a long process and it is not uncommon for one partner to be ready to adopt sooner than the other. However, if these losses are not addressed prior to adoption there are some issues that could arise for the adoptive family.
For example, adoptive parents may not feel entitled or worthy to parent an adopted child and take the parenting role from a more permissive angle, resulting in lax discipline. They may also find it difficult to express parenting frustrations freely as they are afraid others will see it as regret or dissatisfaction with their choice to adopt. In the most severe of cases, it is possible for adoptive parents to experience Post Adoption Depression as a result of not addressing their infertility.
Support Groups for People Experiencing Infertility
Despite well-meaning friends and family members saying, “Get over it already and adopt –You’ll be fine” everyone handles infertility grief differently. Even after adoption, adoptive parents may have moments of sadness that relate back to their infertility and this is completely normal.
For on-going guidance, there are several on-line support groups, including IVF.ca and FertileThoughts.com which have forums for people to share their experiences. Reading and contributing to these websites as well as attending local support groups can be very validating.
“I learned that I am not alone in my feelings and thoughts about whether I was destined to be a parent,” says Sothby. “But more importantly, I saw that even though I was infertile, I could still achieve my dream of becoming a mom.”
*name changed to protect privacy
Sources:
Johnston, Patricia Irwin. Taking Charge of Infertility. Indianapolis: Perspectives Press, 1994.
Johnston, Patricia Irwin. Adopting After Infertility. Indianapolis: Perspectives Press, 1992.
Melina, Lois Ruskai. Raising Adopted Children: Practical, Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent. NY: Quill, 1998.
Angela Krueger - As an adoptive parent and PRIDE adoption trainer, Angela uses her insights to help others on their adoption journey.
