According to the Oxford Canadian Dictionary, discipline is the “training of the mind and character, aimed at producing self-control, obedience, orderly conduct etc.” In contrast to past generations, today’s parents in general are looking for ways to work with their child to learn from behaviour, rather than punish misbehaviour.
When parenting adopted children, understanding this distinction is particularly important. Many adoptees have had early experiences of physical abuse, neglect or trauma which can severely impact a child’s response to discipline and leave parents baffled. However, there are several recommended strategies that can be especially effective for adopted kids.
Make a Connection before Correcting Behaviour
Before adoptive parents begin a lecture to a four-year-old about why hitting a playmate was wrong, they need to first connect with the child in a meaningful and safe way. By spending a few minutes connecting with the child, the adoptee’s self-esteem remains intact, but the foundation is set for the child to learn how to self-regulate behaviour. To do this, adoptive parents should:
- get down to the child’s level
- take a parental time-out to calm down if emotions are high
- use appropriate language and tone to ask questions about the incident
- start a task or activity the child enjoys to encourage open communication
- acknowledge the feelings of the child and show empathy
It is also important that in two-parent families, each partner is given the opportunity to discipline the child to avoid one parent looking more strict than the other.
Understand the Adopted Child’s Developmental Needs
It is quite common for the emotional, social, intellectual, and developmental age of adopted children to be different than their chronological age. For example, an eight-year-old may behave more like a two-year-old if she is not allowed to do a favourite activity. If adoptive parents are aware of this difference in development, they can then use a more effective strategy in dealing with the behaviour such as:
- using time-ins and time-outs
- following through with natural consequences
- creating reward systems for desired behaviours
- removing privileges
- discussing positive behaviours rather than misbehaviours
Adoptive parents need to observe their child following the discipline action and praise the child for positive behaviour as soon as possible to help the learning process to occur. They will also need to put in place strategies for preventing misbehaviours in the future.
Adoption Parenting While Disciplining
According to Lois Ruskai Melina, author of Raising Adopted Children (Quill, 1998), in order to be effective in disciplining an adopted child, the adoptive parents first have to feel entitled to act as the child’s parents. Sometimes, especially if the child joined the family at an older age, adoptive parents hesitate setting limits and enforcing consequences as they fear that disciplining will have a negative effect on the relationship. In reality, the opposite is true, but adoptive parents do need to seek support if they do not feel confident in their role as parents.
Disciplining adopted children is very similar to helping biological kids self-regulate, but adoptive parents need to be aware of more factors. By building a strong parent-child relationship, the discipline process will resemble the positive learning path it is intended to be.
References:
American Academy of Pediatrics. Guidance for Effective Discipline. (accessed October 21, 2010).
“discipline.” Oxford Canadian Dictionary. Reprint ed. 2004.
Melina, Lois Ruskai. Raising Adopted Children: Practical, Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent. NY: Quill, 1998.
Angela Krueger - As an adoptive parent and PRIDE adoption trainer, Angela uses her insights to help others on their adoption journey.
