Adoption is normal. In recent years it has become quite common for children to know that a classmate was adopted, normalizing it even more. However, when someone considers adoption as a way of creating his or her own family, he or she looks at the experience with a critical eye wondering if being an adoptive parent is the same as parenting biological kids.
In understanding that adoption creates unique issues for parents and that parenting techniques can be affected by the child’s birth history, prospective adoptive parents are better prepared. This awareness is what makes adoptive parents, good parents.
Adoption Parenting Has Unique Aspects
Most of the general public would argue that once a child is adopted into a family, there are no differences between adoptive and biological families. However, experience and research has found that there are aspects of parenting that are unique to adoptive families.
In her book, Raising Adopted Children (Quill, 2002), adoptive parent Lois Ruskai Melina writes, “ … just as it isn’t realistic to approach adoptive parenting with the idea that every interaction will be influenced by the way the child joined the family, it isn’t realistic to discount it either. Our experiences as adoptive families are coloured by many factors, including the journey we took to become families.”
The way a family comes to adoption can often affect the feelings one has about the whole process. For example, a couple struggling with infertility for years and then choosing to adopt will have a different parenting perspective than a family member involved in a kinship care arrangement.
Special Issues in Adoptive Families
Adoption can be looked at in terms of layers around a family. The number of layers that surrounds a family will affect the complexity of issues an adoptive family may need to navigate throughout life. Some layers that an adoptive family needs to consider are:
- Older child placement
- Adoptee has special needs
- International adoption
- Transracial adoption
- Sibling groups
- Older adoptive parents
- Open relationship with birth siblings and biological parents
- Multiple placements in foster care
- Pre-adoption trauma
It is crucial to note however, that every adoptive family is different and many factors play into the well-being of an adoptive family, including the resources they have access to.
Impact of an Adoptee’s Birth History on Parenting Techniques
Just as each adoptive family is unique, each adopted child has an individual history that she brings to the experience of the adoptive family. Most of these factors are outside of the adoptive parents’ control, and many of the issues may arise later in the child’s life. Some of the issues that are always in the back of an adoptive parent’s mind are:
- Their child has another set of parents and possibly birth siblings somewhere in the world.
- Not knowing prenatal or genetic history of the child regarding physical, emotional, developmental and psychological well-being.
- Inability to explain who the child inherited characteristics, likes/dislike and mannerisms from.
- General alertness to possible adoption issues arising.
As many adoptive parents waited a long time to have a child in their lives, they may have difficulty claiming the child as their own and as a result, be more lax around boundary and discipline issues.
Why Adoptive Parents are Good Parents
The good news is that processes and education programs, such as PRIDE, are in place to ensure that adoptive parents are prepared for their new family identity. Aside from understanding what issues might exist for an adopted child, adoptive parents need to ensure that they have the financial and emotional resources, as well as lifestyle, to give their adopted child the best life possible.
If any issues are detected with the adopted child, it has also been noted by mental health professionals that adoptive parents tend to seek help for their child sooner than parents who gave birth to their children. Any number of factors can explain this trend, but most experts believe it is because adoptive parents are well-prepared and are willing to seek help early on.
Despite the unique issues each child will bring to the family, adoption parenting is the same as parenting biological children. At the end of the day, adoptive parents and biological parents have both given hugs, offered praise and helped heal a hurt for a child they love. This is ultimately what makes a parent, not the way the child comes into a family.
Source:
Melina, Lois Ruskai. Raising Adopted Children: Practical, Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent. NY: Quill, 1998.
Angela Krueger - As an adoptive parent and PRIDE adoption trainer, Angela uses her insights to help others on their adoption journey.
