Throughout the adoption process it is very easy for prospective adoptive parents to put all their energy into adopting and overlook the importance of their marriage or partnership. Oftentimes the relationship is already strained prior to the adoption process because of difficult challenges such as infertility or financial troubles.
Despite 38% of Canadian marriages and 44% of U.S. marriages ending in divorce (Ambert, 2009) there is evidence to indicate that adoptive parents are more likely than the general population to stay together. Successful marriages in adoption have two factors worth noting – couples work to support each other in the process and as a result, create an adoptive family that strengthens the marriage.
Making the Decision to Adopt Together
The majority of couples who find themselves on an adoption journey, did not set out in their relationships with the plan of creating a family through adoption. Typically, there are life-changing reasons that lead the couple to this choice, and often, these reasons have placed stress on the partners and the marriage itself. As a result, challenges that may need to be addressed include:
- Grieving infertility or coming to terms with the fact that adoption may have not been the first plan for creating a family.
- Setting realistic expectations around the adoption process.
- Recognizing that both partners need to be whole-heartedly committed to adoption before proceeding.
By ensuring that both partners are accepting of adoption as a way to form their family, they build a solid foundation from which to build a family and are better able to support one another in the process.
Supporting Each Other During the Adoption Process
The adoption process is the perfect time to nurture a marriage and invest in each other in positive ways. In addition to taking care of each other, there are some key areas that the couple need to explore in order to ensure the relationship is in a good place to provide the optimum situation for a child. These are:
- Open communication about fears and anticipated joys in adoption parenthood.
- Agreement about which adoption process to follow and range of acceptance in a child.
- Understanding that both partners need to process the realities of adoption on their own terms and may need extra support to do so.
The homestudy process is an opportunity to explore each other’s strengths and weaknesses and may also provide some marriage counseling. Even though it can seem intrusive at times, the goal of the homestudy is to assess the stability of the relationship and identify strategies for supporting each other and the adopted child who will join the family.
Strengthening Marriage Through Adoption Parenthood
Once a child has been adopted into the home, adoptive parents may find that minor issues in the marriage may erupt. To help keep perspective, couples can reflect on the challenges they have endured together and work with each other’s strengths while parenting. In addition, adoptive parents need to provide the child equal opportunities for attachment to each parent and recognize when a partner needs a break from hands-on parenting.
By looking at the relationship between adoptive parents as the foundation for an adoptive family, it is important to look after this relationship before, during and after the adoption process. Not only will the marriage be stronger and closer, the adoptive parents will be better able to support and provide a loving home for their child.
Sources
- Adopting.org Website. “Divorce After Adoption: Myths and Facts” (accessed April 6, 2011).
- Ambert, Anne-Marie. Divorce: Facts, Causes and Consequences, 3rd Edition. Ottawa: The Vanier Institute of the Family, 2009.
- Statistics Canada Website. “Vital Statistics-Divorce Database” (accessed April 7, 2011).
Angela Krueger - As an adoptive parent and PRIDE adoption trainer, Angela uses her insights to help others on their adoption journey.
