In a couple’s adoption journey, it is not unusual to have each partner on different pages at the beginning of the process. Perhaps one spouse is gung-ho and reading resources while the other is following along, not providing a lot of input. At first, this may seem like cause for concern, but in reality two people can still come to the decision to adopt together despite having differing approaches along the way.
For the benefit of the future child, it is imperative that an adopting couple be on the same page at the time of adoption, but it could take weeks, months or even years to get there. To help respect the thought processes of each spouse the couple needs to have a plan for communicating, look at the possible reasons for reluctance and find support from others.
Have a Plan for Adoption Talks
For a partner who is reluctant about the whole adoption process, adoption talks can be stressful and further drive a wedge between both partners. If this is the case, it is helpful for the couple to create a plan for talking about adoption such as choosing a day in the week that suits both, or simply making the decision to not talk about adoption plans at certain times of the day.
It is also helpful to take adoption holidays when needed to help keep the partnership or marriage as a priority. During these times, adoption books are set aside, there are no responses on adoption forums and any adoption-related discussions are kept to a minimum. If adoption is a constant topic of conversation this can be very overwhelming, especially for the reluctant spouse.
Furthermore, show a continued commitment to the relationship regardless of the challenges being faced by being sensitive to each other’s needs. This way, ultimatums are avoided and a solid family foundation is being built for a future child.
Explore Reasons for Hesitating to Adopt
If the reluctant partner is able to articulate the reasons for hesitating to adopt, the couple should attempt to explore these issues even before the home study process. Some common issues that make adoption uncomfortable for someone include:
- Finances
- Timing
- Age
- Perception of children available through adoption
- Contentment with current situation
- Desire to continue exploring infertility options
The best way to handle discussions of these issues is to validate the fears of the reluctant spouse and also for the enthusiastic spouse to share some of his or her concerns going forward with adoption.
Seek Support from Other Adopting Couples and Professionals
Even though it is the job of the adoption practitioner to assess each partner’s level of readiness to move on to adoption, couples can also consult with a marriage counselor to help address the issue. In some cases it is even more valuable for the reluctant spouse to speak to another person who struggled with the same concerns but eventually embraced the adoption process.
On-line support groups as well as in-person meetings can go a long way in validating the feelings of both partners. Creating A Family, a non-profit organization providing education and resources for infertility and adoption, has created a short video addressing the issue, in addition to other resources.
Choosing adoption as a way to build a family is a momentous decision that needs a lot of consideration before a plan is formed. As such, it is not unreasonable for adopting parents to sometimes be at different points in the journey, making one or the other look like a ‘reluctant spouse’. What matters most is that both future parents do the best job they can to prepare themselves for the wonderful role of adoptive parent.
Sources:
- Creating A Family Website. “A Reluctant Spouse: When Only One Partner Wants to Adopt” (accessed June 21, 2011).
- Smolowe, Jill. “The Reluctant Spouse”. The Adoption Guide Website (accessed June 21, 2011).
Angela Krueger - As an adoptive parent and PRIDE adoption trainer, Angela uses her insights to help others on their adoption journey.
