Adoptive parents often assume that if a child does not ask questions about his adoption, he does not think about his adoption. However, experience shows that children need their adoptive parents to help them navigate the complex thoughts, fantasies, fears and feelings surrounding adoption.
Even though there is no rule about when or how to start adoption conversations, through trial and error, parents can find ways to bring up adoption that feels right for their family. Before beginning and continuing meaningful adoption discussions, parents need to understand why most adoptees do not openly talk about adoption.
Why Adoptive Parents Have to Initiate Adoption Talks
According to Sherrie Eldridge, author of Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew (Dell Publishing, 1999), even parents who are well informed about adoption and are constantly tuned in to their kids with “adoption radar” sometimes miss the mark. She writes “…adoptees not only need to be given permission to talk about their uncomfortable feelings, they need to be openly invited and encouraged to do so.”
Eldridge suggests that most adoptees, even babies relinquished at birth with the adoptive parents and birth family strongly connected to each other, experience the following at some point in their life:
- feelings of rejection by the birth family
- fear of rejection by the adoptive parents
- feelings of loss that are hard to articulate
- guilt over the loss of birth family
These feelings are very complex and can be isolating, especially for children. As a result, it becomes the role of the adoptive parents to seek out opportunities to open up the conversation about adoption, even if the child seems to not be struggling with any issues.
How to Start Adoption Conversations
If a child wants to talk about his adoption, he may use what Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher, authors of Talking to Young Children About Adoption (Yale University Press, 1993), call “in between times” such as driving in the car, bedtime and doing dishes. Adoptive parents can make use of these times to start conversations, but they can also be creative in letting a situation lead the discussion. For example:
- At a cultural festival ask, “I wonder if your birth dad loves roti as much as you do?”
- Around the child’s birthday or Mother’s Day ask, “I wonder if your birth mom is thinking of you today? How do you think she might be feeling?”
- When talking about a friend’s pregnancy, comment to the child, “You grew in your birth mom’s belly the same way this baby is. I’m so glad she took really good care of you while you were growing inside.”
- When a book or movie talks about running away in the storyline ask, “Do you ever wonder what it would be like to run away and live with your birth mom?”
- When photographs are taken of the child, point out a noticeable feature that he shares with his birthparents, “You have such beautiful brown eyes. I bet you get those from your birth dad.”
- After a school event ask, “I noticed that your classmates were looking at your mom and I funny. Does it sometimes bother you that you don’t look like us?”
Adoptive parents need to take their cue from their child when talking about adoption. If the questions keep coming, then let the conversation flow. If the child shows that he does not want to talk, respect that, but try again another time so he knows that adoption is a safe topic to discuss.
Open Communication About Adoption
Adoption is not a one-time conversation. It is an on-going dialogue that evolves depending on the child’s level of understanding and life circumstances surrounding him. For example, the introduction of a new birth family contact, a classmate who is adopted, or a new book or story with an adoption theme may prompt further questions or a revisit to topics already discussed.
The key is to always be honest and provide age-appropriate information, so the child’s story can be built upon. Every family and every child will handle adoption talks differently and sometimes, just knowing that it is okay to talk about adoption is enough.
Sources:
Eldridge, Sherrie. Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. NY: Dell Publishing, 1999.
Watkins, Mary & Susan Fisher. Talking With Young Children About Adoption. New Haven: Yale University Press, 1993.
Angela Krueger - As an adoptive parent and PRIDE adoption trainer, Angela uses her insights to help others on their adoption journey.
