Even though an adoption is an event in time, being an adoptive family is a long-term commitment. As with all long-term relationships, things evolve and change, often creating new levels of understanding. In adoption, this is especially true.
As adoptees grow and gain a better understanding of their adoption status, they will have questions about their birth family, place of origin and even question the permanency of the adoptive family. Fortunately, the questions are fairly common across adopted kids, which means adoptive parents have an idea which questions their child might ask.
Guidelines for Responding to Adoption Questions
The adage – start as you mean to go on – is very relevant when it comes to talking about adoption. Most adoption experts advise talking to kids about adoption from an early age so both children and parents become comfortable with the language and concepts before more complex issues arise. Tapestry Books, a website specializing in adoption books and resources, offers the following guidelines for responding to adopted children when the topic of adoption is being discussed:
- Be truthful
- Be age appropriate
- Show love and respect
- Focus on what is being asked
- Use positive adoption language
- Use humour
- Reassure
As the questions children ask change vary with their age and developmental stage, adoptive parents need to be prepared with a variety of answers depending on the situation and what is being asked. Adoptive Families magazine has many resources to help adoptive parents determine at which stage certain questions will be asked.
Questions About Birth Family
It is completely normal for adopted kids to have questions about their birth family. Since the child has a life before adoption, adoptive parents need to respect that history and the easiest way to do that is to provide age-appropriate, honest information in response to these questions.
- Who is my real mom/dad?
- Why didn’t my birth parents want me?
- Do you know what my birth parents look like?
- What should I call my birth parents?
- Do my birth parents love me?
- Can I learn about my birth country?
Depending on the circumstances, adopted kids may wonder if their birth parents will come back to claim them and that is the underlying issue to these questions. Adoptive parents can use any question to reassure their child’s permanency in the family and by doing so, build parent-child trust.
Questions About Adoptive Family
As adopted kids begin to understand that not every family is an adoptive family, they will begin to look for similarities and differences to their peers. The questions that adoptees ask about the adoptive family might be very specific and catch parents off guard. To handle these questions effectively, adoptive parents need to have processed their grief over infertility and answer the questions as matter of fact as possible.
- Did I grow in your tummy?
- Why don’t I look like you?
- Why did you adopt me?
- Do you love me as much as a biological child?
When answering these questions, adoptive parents need to be positive and sincere as it is possible that underlying these questions is the fear that the adoptive family is going to give them away. As the child gets older and has a more sophisticated understanding of adoption it is important to give specific details in answers.
Despite common themes in the questions asked by adoptees, every situation is different and often, adopted kids do not initiate adoption talks. However, if adoptive parents take the time to consider possible responses to their child’s questions about adoption, they will be better prepared and might be able to even anticipate what their child is thinking. And sometimes, the most honest answer adoptive parents can give their child is “I don’t know.”
Source:
Watkins, Mary & Susan Fisher. Talking with Young Children about Adoption. New Haven: Yale University Press, 1993.
Angela Krueger - As an adoptive parent and PRIDE adoption trainer, Angela uses her insights to help others on their adoption journey.
