It is natural for adoptive parents to want to protect their children from the sometimes difficult and negative information about the child’s life before adoption. However, most adoptees eventually find the information they are seeking and feelings of anger, resentment and betrayal towards the adoptive parents may arise if they have not been honest and forthcoming with the adoptee.
Adoption experts agree that it is not a matter of whether adoptive parents should tell their kids these details, but rather when and how to tell them that is often the missing piece of the puzzle of their life.
When to Talk to Adoptees About Their Conception and Birth
It is very common today for adoptees to be aware of their adoption status from the first day they enter their adoptive home. Most adoptive parents talk about how the child’s birth family made loving choices and paint a positive picture of how the child came to an adoptive family.
However, there will be a day when the adoptee will start asking questions about why she was adopted and the rosy picture will not be enough. She will want to know details about her birth parents such as drug and alcohol use, physical and mental health issues, as well as their social and financial situation. Other details about her conception and birth circumstances such as incest, rape, death and abuse may not be asked by the adoptee, but these details should also be shared when the time is right.
There is no magic age for adoptive parents to tell their child about a difficult birth history, but the adoptee needs to be old enough to deal with the details both intellectually and emotionally. This typically happens in the early teen years. Any information shared before that time needs to be age appropriate and catered to the child’s developmental stage.
How to Bring Up Difficult Issues About the Birth Family
Everything adoptive parents tell their young child is building a foundation for future adoption talks. Parents are advised to use age-appropriate language and be honest from the beginning so nothing has to be corrected in the future. This builds on trust between the adoptive parents and the adoptee which is crucial for all adoption talks.
In some cases, kids may ask questions that the adoptive parents are not yet ready to answer. The easiest way to buy time around difficult adoption questions is to emphasize that everything regarding the child’s adoption is as a result of grown-up problems.
Very early on, adopted kids may start to think they were bad babies and did something to make their birth parents not love them. It is important to explain that the grown-ups did the best they could and made decisions that were in their best interest. Adoptive Families Magazine regularly publishes sample responses that adoptive parents could use in certain scenarios.
How to Help Adoptees Process Their Past
Once adopted kids know about their difficult birth circumstances, parents have the responsibility to find support and help for the adoptees. Sometimes the help of a qualified counselor is necessary, but adoptive parents can also provide resources from home such as:
- the child’s lifebook either to look at or to add thoughts and feelings to
- books, poetry and artwork by adoptees
- movies with adoption storylines
- websites offering information and support to adopted children and teens
Most importantly, adoptive parents need to encourage open and honest communication as they help their child process this part of her history. Their job is to provide the facts of the child’s birth circumstances and then help the adoptee relate the information to her own experiences.
Talking about adoption is sometimes hard, especially if there is difficult information to share. If adoptive parents remember that their child is entitled to know her complete birth history, they create a trusting atmosphere in which to talk about difficult birth circumstances when the time is right.
Sources:
Melina, Lois Ruskai. Raising Adopted Children: Practical, Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent. NY: Quill, 1998.
North American Council on Adoptable Children. Talking With Your Adopted Teen: It’s Possible and Important (accessed August 5, 2010).
Angela Krueger - As an adoptive parent and PRIDE adoption trainer, Angela uses her insights to help others on their adoption journey.
