One question that sets adoptive parents back on their heels as much as the highly expected “Why was I adopted?” question, is “Where do babies come from?” Fortunately, with the growing trend toward openness in adoption, both questions are getting easier to navigate and there are plenty of resources to help parents when the need arises.
The complexity of these questions stems from the fact that a child’s adoption is often intertwined with conversations around how babies are made, and therefore by default, puberty. So what could be an innocent question asked by a tween adoptee about why she is getting pimples, could turn into a myriad of topics ranging from questions about birth parents to why she was placed for adoption.
What Adoptive Parents Should Do When Puberty Questions Arise
Kids health organizations actually advise parents to talk to their kids a couple years before onset of puberty to help everyone become comfortable about the topic. As in most things important, it is better for the tween to hear details from a loving parent rather than a possibly inaccurate peer.
Once the questions start, there are some key things adoptive parents need to keep in mind:
- Be honest, even if the topic of puberty makes the parent uncomfortable.
- Build upon what the adoptee already knows about puberty from friends, books and the media.
- Answer the obvious questions but be aware that there may be a hidden question underneath that may need coaxing out.
- Read between the lines and understand that the tween is connecting the dots to what they know about their birth history.
- Remember to talk about the emotional aspects of puberty in addition to the physical changes that will occur.
For tweens who lived in difficult situations before being adopted, it is very important for adoptive parents to be sensitive to the tween’s need to talk about early sexual traumatic experiences. The North American Council on Adoptable Children has resources in this regard and adoptive parents should seek help from professionals as support.
Talking to Pre-Teen Adoptees About How Babies Are Made
Parents would love to keep the puberty talk separate from the sex talk, but often it is easier to let both discussions unfold naturally. According to Marybeth Lambe, a regarded adoption expert and physician, sex talks are most effective when they are in the form of discussions over time. She also advises that if an adoptee has not yet asked questions about his birth by the age of seven, adoptive parents need to take the initiative.
Similar to conversations about adoption, Planned Parenthood advises parents to not let fear get in the way of talking about procreation. By building on the facts of puberty, parents are able to give their tweens accurate information in the context of what the adoptee is already aware. Sticking to the facts and avoiding putting in personal views about sex, also helps to simplify things. If parents talk about babies being made in the context of a couple falling in love, getting married and wanting a family, this may be in contrast to the adopted tween’s adoption story, creating confusion for the adoptee.
Recommended Puberty Books for Adopted Tweens
To help bridge the gap between what a tween knows about babies being made and the changes that are happening to her body, books are a great resource for adoptive parents to use as a starting point for conversations. Here are some recommended ones for girls:
- The What’s Happening to My Body Book for Girls by Lynda Madaras (Newmarket Press, 2000)
- The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls by Valorie Schaefer (American Girl Publishing, 1998)
- Growing Up: It’s a Girl Thing by Mavis Jukes (Knopf Books for Young Readers, 1998)
Even though it is recommended for both boys and girls to be aware of what is happening to each other during puberty, here are a few books recommended specifically for boys:
- The What’s Happening to My Body Book for Boys by Lynda Madaras (Newmarket Press, 2000)
- The Boy’s Body Book by Kelli Dunham (Applesauce Press, 2007)
- What’s Happening to Me? By Peter Mayle (Lyle Stuart, 2000)
The key to talking to adopted tweens about sex and puberty is to create an open line of communication, encourage questions and take the lead from the adoptee as to when enough information has been shared. When done in the context of building upon what the tween already knows about her adoption, all the pieces of the jigsaw will fit together when the time is right.
Sources:
Kids Health Website (accessed November 11, 2011).
North American Council on Adoptable Children Website (accessed November 11, 2011).
Planned Parenthood Website (accessed November 11, 2011).
Angela Krueger - As an adoptive parent and PRIDE adoption trainer, Angela uses her insights to help others on their adoption journey.
