To the average person, the adoption of a child is something to be celebrated. However, issues that arise during and after the adoption process can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, sadness and isolation for birthmothers, adopted kids and their adoptive parents. Understanding the nature of the losses experienced through adoption is crucial to helping everyone in the adoption triad cope with their complex feelings.
Losses an Adopted Child Experiences
The loss that has the biggest impact on an adopted child’s life is that he is not being raised by the mother who gave birth to him. Even adopted infants show signs of grief during their adjustment to their adoptive families. Regardless of the reasons for a child’s relinquishment, it is completely natural for an adoptee of any age to grieve the loss of his birthmother and his life before adoption.
In her book, Adoption and Loss, Evelyn Burns Robinson states that adopted kids “…suffer from the loss of their relationship with their natural mothers, the loss of kinship being separated from their extended family and community, and the loss of identity from not knowing exactly who they are,” [Robinson, 2000]. In addition to losing a relationship with birthmom, adopted kids may lose track of siblings and feel disconnected from their heritage which could lead to profound sadness and grief.
Kids who have been adopted from the foster care system may be grieving many more losses. They could be missing friends, schools, social activities, a favourite toy, as well as social workers and foster families they have depended on. All of these losses are important to the child and need to be resolved in a caring way.
Losses Experienced by Birthmothers
The most obvious loss for a birthmother is that she is no longer the legal parent of a child she gave birth to. With that loss, women may experience isolation from friends and family, often leading to depression. To add to her losses, “the grief of the woman who has lost a child through adoption is one that is often not recognized by professionals such as doctors, social workers and psychologists.” [Robinson, 2000]
Like adopted children, birthmothers lack a concrete focus for their grief because their child is alive and there is the possibility of a reunion someday. By not having a focus for their intense feelings, birthmothers may have unresolved grief which affects future relationships.
Birthfathers and extended birth family also experience loss in adoption. The emotional turmoil of losing a biological child or grandchild to adoption is often underestimated by friends and family of those affected.
Losses Experienced by Adoptive Parents
Although the adding of a long hoped for child to the family is a reason to celebrate, it can also bring up some feelings of grief. Adoptive parents may be grieving the loss of a child who is not genetically tied to them and in some cases the loss of the ideal child they were hoping to adopt.
Lois Ruskai Melina writes in Raising Adopted Children, “One of the tasks that should be accomplished prior to adopting is grieving for the biological child who will not be born,” [Melina, 1998]. This loss also lacks a concrete focus, so it is important for people hoping to adopt to work with an adoption professional to address this issue.
By understanding the losses associated with adoption, adoptees, birthfamilies, adoptive parents and their support systems are better able to work through their grief in positive ways. For further information on adoption related issues read Surviving an Adoption Reversal and Attachment and Bonding in Adoption.
References
Melina, Lois Ruskai. Raising Adopted Children. New York: HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 1998.
Robinson, Evelyn Burns. Adoption and Loss: The Hidden Grief. South Australia: Clova Publications, 2000.
Angela Krueger - As an adoptive parent and PRIDE adoption trainer, Angela uses her insights to help others on their adoption journey.
