Most adoptive parents have heard of time-outs and may have indicated in their homestudy that this method of discipline is what they would use for their adopted child. However, time-ins, rather than time-outs, are common practice in adoptive homes as they help the child feel connected to the family, while also learning how to manage inappropriate behaviour.
To use time-ins effectively, adoptive parents need to understand the difference between time-ins and time-outs, why time-ins are effective for adopted kids and ways in which to use the technique.
What is the Difference Between Time-Outs and Time-Ins?
Both time-outs and time-ins can be effective methods of discipline, but it all depends on how the adoptive parents approach the opportunity to help their child learn self-regulation.
Time-outs separate the adopted child from the parents and focus on distinguishing right from wrong. Typically used when patience is low and frustration is high, this method of withholding attention can be effective for children who need a break to change gears. However, if time outs are overused they become ineffective and there is the possibility of both the adopted child and parents feeling bad about the experience.
Like time-outs, the goal of time-ins is to teach the child to self-regulate his or her behaviour. The focus, however, is on regaining peace and balance in the situation. The major difference between time-outs and time-ins is where the child is while the calming down is happening. For time-ins, the child is in close proximity to the adoptive parents to help foster a connection and feeling of security, while learning that their behaviour is inappropriate.
Why Are Time-Ins Effective for Adoptees?
Time-ins are especially effective for children who have been institutionalized for long periods of time, such as international adoptees who may have spent their first months or years in an orphanage. According to an article by Deborah Moore titled Discipline: With an Adopted Twist in the book Adoption Parenting (EMK Press: 2006-7) adopted children benefit from time-ins if they:
- have been recently adopted.
- are not yet fully attached to their adoptive parents.
- struggle with anxiety in situations where they are separated from their adoptive parents.
Time-ins should not be looked at as rewarding the child for misbehaviour but rather a positive way for parents to help their child understand their behaviour was inappropriate without laying guilt or shame upon the adoptee.
How Should Adoptive Parents Use Time-Ins?
For time-ins to work, adoptive parents need to be calm. If mom or dad is feeling very frustrated or angry, they will need to leave the room or find an activity to calm themselves down before helping their child with the time-in process. After the parents have gained control of their own emotions, they can help restore balance to the situation by:
- keeping the child close while continuing to work.
- avoiding eye-contact and conversation until the child is ready to talk about what happened.
- increasing eye-contact and smiling as the issue is discussed.
- helping the child reflect on the issue and find words to talk about it.
By focusing on the building of a positive parent-child relationship, even while disciplining, adoptive parents can better understand why time-ins might be more effective than time-outs for their child. This team approach helps adopted kids feel they have permission to make mistakes, but they also have a responsibility to learn. When adoptive parents make it clear that they want to help, their bond to the adoptee becomes stronger.
Sources:
MacLeod, Jean & Sheena Macrae. Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections. New Jersey: EMK Press, 2006-2007.
Weinholds.org Web site. Time-In Techniques for Children by Janae B. Weinhold. (accessed October 12, 2010)
Angela Krueger - As an adoptive parent and PRIDE adoption trainer, Angela uses her insights to help others on their adoption journey.
